so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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