when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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