Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
