It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
