I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
