You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i think i just lost a toe
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
