I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
operation harelip BJ is a go
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
