so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
my poor anus
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
