You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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