I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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