She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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