nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
