i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
