He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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