Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
