first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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