Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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