Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
