You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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