if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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