Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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