I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
