Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
