Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
