everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
