I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
