i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
