As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
