so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
