I can text with my tongue
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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