I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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