Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
