If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
