so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
