Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
