You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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