Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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