What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
