True but thats because hes a fetus.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
