I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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