the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
