my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm sobbing to NWA
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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