I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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