Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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