I met the friendliest cop last night
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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