I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You may now shotgun with the bride
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
