I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
