Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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