I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
