I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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