Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My dick has a subreddit
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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