I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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