dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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