You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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